Bueno, parece que a la página no le importa si va en inglés o no, así que ésta será en español.

Vi la primera película live action de Superman y fue una severa decepción, algo a lo que me estoy acostumbrando, aunque esta vez no fue una gran sorpresa. No esperaba mucho de los 70. Cualquiera que diga que esta película es buena es un mercader de la nostalgia o un cobarde. Sí, lo dije. No me importa si es un clásico o no, si la película tiene problemas, los mencionaré con placer.

Christopher Reeve hace un buen papel tanto como Clark que como Superman, vende bien todo, es tan torpe e incómodo como carismático cuando debe ser. No soy un fan de que realmente parezca que Clark es un disfraz y no quien es realmente, pero está bien, lo permitiré. Fuera de eso me disgusta todo lo demás. O sea, hay escenas divertidas y momentos que me gustan, pero la trama y los otros personajes… uff.

Ahora entiendo porque los misóginos siempre mencionan a este Lois Lane, es mucho más sumisa, está ahí solo para remarcar lo genial que es el super hombre, para ser una dama en apuros e incluso en su profesión no te la puedes tomar en serio porque por alguna razón no sabe escribir. Asumo que es una buena reportera, me dicen que lo es, nunca lo veo en acción, pero me lo dicen. El caso es que apenas hay un personaje aquí. Cualquiera que prefiera a esta Lois sobre la absoluta diosa de la CW, probablemente le pega a su mujer. Incluso Rachel es mejor.

Para colmo pierden la oportunidad de hacer un chiste. Medio raro que hagan que no sepa escribir bien, es algo fundamental del trabajo, pero supongo que puede ser gracioso si odias a la mujeres XD Pero una vez introduces eso, juega con ello. Cuando Superman le dice el nombre de su planeta: Krypton; Lois lo deletrea mal, cuando hubiera sido gracioso que si pudiera hacerlo a la primera solo porque si cuando tiene problemas con palabras normales. Pero bueno.

El villano es el bueno de Luthor. Él funciona... bien, es un hijoputa, eso es todo. Está bien. Está bien... Bien. Su plan es mejor que el de Gunn, realmente no tiene huecos en sí, o al menos nos los vi, pero tiene los mismos fallos: el hecho de que contrata gente incompetente. No tengo idea porque mantiene a ese idiota, casi le cuesta el plan. Y luego la tipa no es tan mala como debería para estar a su lado y participar en sus planes tan super malvados, y para colmo le dice en la cara que va a matar a su mamá y la deja libre igual. Por alguna razón no consideró eso un posible problema. Como sea.

Gracias a ella, Superman es liberado de la kriptonita y puede ir a salvar a la gente, no sin antes ser violado un poco. Detiene un montón de problemas, pero llega muy tarde para salvar a Lois. Por un momento pensé que sería un buen final, no siempre puedes salvar a todos. Pero entonces recordé que ya conocía el final, pues es algo tan épico, tan ingenioso, tan maravillosamente estúpido, que es parte de la fábrica del universo.

Es el peor final posible. El asesino de toda tensión. Ahora, solo porque técnicamente puedas hacer que tenga sentido en universo, hay ciertas cosas que probablemente no deberías hacer. Alguien debió decirle a King que por más sentido que le parezca a su cerebro bañado en cocaína, probablemente no es buena idea tener una orgia infantil en IT. Y alguien debió decirles a los guionistas de la película, que solo porque estableciste que cada galaxia tiene su propio espacio-tiempo, igual no deberías darle la capacidad de retroceder el tiempo.

Cambiar la rotación de la tierra por alguna razón regresa el tiempo. Bien, así es como funciona, te acepto que así es como funciona por más que vaya en contra de lo que cada fibra de mi cuerpo está gritando. Sigue siendo muy estúpido y no deberías hacerlo porque nadie se lo tomará en serio.

La película es bien larga y no siento que mucho pasara, el uso del tiempo es bastante malo, pero no sabría cómo explicarlo en pocas palabras. No me da ganas de extenderme demasiado. El caso es que perdemos demasiado tiempo con el prólogo de Krypton y con su juventud, los cuales no afectan casi nada lo que viene después. ¿Pero qué mier…? ¿Quién es este cuarentón? ¡Christopher Reeve se ve más joven!

Hablando del prólogo. ¿Es Jor-El fiscal y juez al mismo tiempo? WTF? Tal vez no es fiscal y solo parece. No importa. El prólogo es bastante malo, no tan incoherente como el de Man of Steel, pero, es malo. Sé que es difícil lograr que una civilización tan avanzada no se dé cuenta de que su planeta va a estallar de forma creíble, pero esta no es la respuesta. No hay manera de que la evidencia pueda ser confundida a tal nivel que solo un tipo es capaz de verlo. Hay como treinta de ellos. La serie animada hizo un mejor trabajo.

Al inicio me pareció malo que Jor-El decidiera callarse en vez de alertar a quienes pudiera, pero supongo que si lo arrestan por insurrección no podría hacer nada y todos morirían igual, mientras que con lo que decidió, al menos Clark se puede salvar. No tengo idea de porque no tienen naves más grandes, no hay ninguna explicación, pero como sea. Y entonces Krypton explota porque Martha Kent quería un hijo y esta es la manera en que Dios decidió enviárselo.

EL FIN de la reseña. Sí, terminé con el prólogo. Demándame.

4/10.

Alaoz!

This Superman is quite balance in his brains and muscles, he can be quite clever to solve brainy problems and outwit people, and is not too strong to make every fight too easy, and that could have been enough to make the fights more fun, but they also make him be quite ineffective for no real reason. Besides moving really slowly to go to places when he could just do it so fast is just colors on the screen, as he does a couple of times, he tends to just stand and get hit when he could easily dodge, especially by moving really fast. I develop the theory that maybe he really likes to experiment pain and that’s why he lets himself get damage like that.

But then others characters do that too, the villains as well, so… is probably a series wide problem. This is really annoying and makes everybody look dumb and I don’t like that. Is bad. It makes the fights and actions scenes rather silly. I lose respect for everybody. 

The worst offender was when Superman is fighting this one shitty son of Darkseid, and his dad, J Kent, is trap under rubble and likely to die in the failing building, and Superman takes his sweet time with the bad guy, a lot of time, really. He even tries to walk to his father’s side instead of flying fast. And then, finally, villain dude says that he is doing this for his own father, Superman goes: “Father?” And seems to suddenly remember his dad is in mortal peril and then proceeds to beat the living shit out of the bastard in instants and then goes to save his dad. So, my question is: Why did he just not do that from the very beginning? Bitch didn’t have time to waste! What da hell? That episode was crap, luckily it was followed by a good trilogy with Batman and the Joker, when the only weird thing I remember is Superman being okay with being cuck by Bruce Wayne. The show never gets to that level of quality ever again.

On the other hand, I was really disappointed with the lack of focus on Clarks life, there’s bits of it, but the show never really develops a relationship between him and the Daily Planet. Even his relationship with Lois is so in the background along with her character that it is painful. Especially after watching Superman & Lois and the Adventures of Lois & Clark, who both do it well.  It was just hard to care about any of them. Is not good for character development and exploration to have characters coming in and out all the time. And at the end, the final scene of Lois and Clark kissing with her being the first to trust him again feels so incredibly unearned cause they never fucking do anything to develop that relationship.

Yeah, he saves her life. Big deal. He saves everybody’s life. There is no deep friendship or romance. But I guess romance is gay, so fuck it.

I’m just not a fan of this type of storytelling with no real connecting tissue and practically zero character development, introducing things that never get touch again or barely touch. Supergirl comes in and is in like 5 episodes including her debut and not much is done with her character. She should be totally life changing. Luthor goes away for a long time too, so I lose the fact that he exists and shit like that. Other characters have one or two episodes and then is either "bye bye" or "stay in the background and learn your place!" It's just too much Superman.

Anyway, the animation is really good, the movements and expressions look great, and with the colors the whole vibe of the show has this old timey charm to it, especially at the beginning. It just felt different. The cool architecture also sales you this universe as real and breathing. Voice acting is also really good for all, I love me some Dana Delany as Lois Targaryen, she brings the sassiness needed.

In general, I think the show is fine, just fine. It has good stories, some weaker than others, an interesting interpretation of Brainiac, I loved Bizarro, he’s just a baby!! It also has plenty of silly things to move the plots forward or to make fights last longer or for Superman to not get obviously killed, like when Metallo had him dead to rights but a fucking van is too much for him when he is strong and fast enough to either avoided or fucking destroy it. But! There is nothing too large to make big chunks of plot fall apart.

Now, everything is telling me that a 6 feels fair, feels correct. But I’m gonna give it a 5 anyway.  Heeeellll yeah!!!

That’s it.

Alaoz!

Why is Yelena working for Valentina when she lied to her about Clint killing Natasha? That's a pretty big lie. You'd expect her to get her revenge or go work for someone else, but this movie doesn't want you to remember Black Widow or Hawkeye because that would get in the way of rewriting these characters however they want to make the plot they want. And to be fair, nobody remembers Black Widow anyway so... Still, this isn't a good start.

Marvel fans lied to me. The movie isn't good. Now, it does have a decent mental illness theme, and it explores it a little with Yelena and Bob, and then with no one else, because... I don't know, screw them, I guess. Not everyone can have character!! No, that would require a lot of effort, and we don't do that here. There are flashes, like with Walker and Valentina, but flashes aren't exploration.

And when it does explore it, it's mostly superficial, but at least there's something. With Yelena, I accept it; hers is regular depression, is external, once those issues are no longer there, she is happier. Having company and a new, more fulfilling purpose is enough. But Bob's case seems clinical, more internal, and those are different types of depression, in addition to his other more obvious conditions like trauma, bipolar disorder and substance abuse. The Void decently embodies what depression feels like, but he's not going to be defeated so easily by the acceptance of people he's just met on a big hug. It needs more. I like the idea, and superficially I like the scene, the problem is that, as I said, he's just met them. The film could have benefited from more time with them connecting so that the moment feels more believable. Because depression would have kept telling him that no matter what they say, it's not true, they're making fun of him, they don't even know him, they know nothing, it's impossible for anyone to love him no matter what he does, etc. It would have taken more effort than what we see, even with people he's known for longer. And to top it all off, in the end, he forgets everything, so... screw it.

Simply mentioning mental illness isn't the same as exploring it well.

So, the core of the movie, the thing everyone's praising like it's Buffy season six, is mediocre at best. It works with Yelena, it only works in principle with Bob, and with the rest, it doesn't matter because they DON'T matter. This is Yelena and Bob's movie, but it's called Thunderbolts, it's supposed to be an ensemble film, and it fails miserably at that. But hey, at least there are jokes between them. That's enough, right?

Beyond that, the rest is pure crap. Valentina and her people are a bunch of incompetent idiots. I love how Walker even points this out by mentioning that the helicopters searching for them are flying too high, which is inefficient. Cool. Why the FUCK are they doing it then!? Are we supposed to ignore how retarded it is just because the movie is kind of acknowledging it? Then they send in a three-car convoy after them. Brilliant! Even without Bucky's intervention, they could have won. And they got a car to escape in the first place because Alexi conveniently overheard Valentina talking since he became her chauffeur (for some fucking reason) at the worst possible moment, and she doesn't keep secret conversations secret. WTF Lazy bloody writers! And he gets there pretty fast when he's driving from far away.

All of this allows them to escape the chase, and it is bad writing.

You know what else is bad writing? How they escape before they can escape the second time. I know, I'm reviewing it backwards; it's funnier this way. So, Valentina sends them all off hoping they'll kill each other. Walker, a professional soldier; Yelena, a super professional spy; Taskmaster, the same; and Ghost, who is… something, I don't know, I don't remember. A group of people you wouldn't expect to be so stupid as to not immediately realize that none of it makes any fucking sense. Especially Yelena, who already knows Valentina does this kind of thing. Eventually, they figure it out, a little too late to save Taskmaster's life, but they do. Hooray!! Poor Taskmaster, she had a shitty life. What a weird character. And Yelena, who knows what kind of shitty life she's had, doesn't give a damn that she's dead. Seriously, they didn't watched Black Widow XD

Valentina watches as her plan fails, and is surprised by this. She didn't realize that they were just idiots instead of complete idiots. I don't know why she hired them if she thought they were so stupid as to kill each other without noticing anything strange. Oh well. She's not worried, because she has a contingency plan. She's going to burn them all immediate… oh no, she gives them two minutes. And she puts the countdown right there so they can see. Cool. Valentina is generous.

She could have killed them with a lethal gas and then incinerated them, she could have electrocuted them with a massive shock and then incinerated them. Or she could have made them laugh until they cried by showing them her best moments on Veep, and then incinerated them… and then made them explode. And then buried them deep. Or poisoned them before all of this. The point is, she had many options and chose the stupidest one because writing is hard. Just a word of advice if you want to be a writer. Your first idea is probably crap. Think a little more.

And to top it all off, they can only escape because the power source for the barrier preventing Ghost from leaving is in the SAME damn room as them. LOL. Who the hell wrote this? Is this the movie everyone keeps praising? Holy cow. And how did Bob end up there? If they thought he was dead, why didn't they bury or cremate him instead of sending him there? WTF. Nothing makes any fucking sense. The movie is super lame, it's purely artificial, and that sucks.

So… yeah. It wasn't good X2. And that's all from me. It's not like there aren't more idiotic mistakes, like the government not investigating the explosion Bob caused and arresting Valentina, or how much they let her do instead of putting her under house arrest or something, they're accusing her of awful things. Or how Walker doesn't kill Yelena with his first punch.

Anyway, I'm too lazy to continue.

I'll leave you with the shitty ending of the movie, the ending where they decide not to send Valentina to jail and let her go free after she's committed so many atrocious crimes. Bucky, dude, seriously? Is this the first act of your new Avengers? Who thought this was a good idea? What a great team, 3 super-soldiers. Creative. Fuck the ending.

3/10 The script is a disaster, but at least the Void looks cool.

That's all.

Alaoz!

PD: This title was way to harsh XD "If you think this is good you are mentally ill". All the good titles were to offensive or long.

Thanks character limiter. You ruined my title!!

I love Sekiro, but is not quite the game that it could have been, or that I would have hope it would be. There are some issues that I mostly don’t care about, but some that I do, and the ones I don’t care about don’t affect me, but maybe they should, like the lack of combat options.

I just like deflecting.

I mean, the combat system is great, I love it, I’ll deflect night and day, is hot! But there is a surprising lack of combat arts and prosthetics and actual quality to said prosthetics. In my case, I barely use them, they are mostly boring, to be honest. I ended the game with 998 spirit emblems, so, you know.

I’m trying to use them more in newer playthroughs, but they barely make a difference and there is a reason I never felt attracted to them. They are not very useful in important moments or most boss fights. You’ll have a better time using your emblems for Mortal Draw or something like that.

In my case: I used the axe in Hirate state and never again, the shurikens against the shooters surrounding the spear general the first 3 tries and never again. I beat Gyoubu third try without the firecrackers because I totally miss them. I would have use them otherwise, the firecrackers are actually god. The spear never. The flame barrel only with the chained ogre. Mist Raven fucking never, although, it does look cool. You can just dodge, tho.

I did use the Umbrella against Albino Ape, because I’m not running away like a bitch from the terror bullshit. Like seriously, terror? Terror? Instant dead? Really? I’m fighting the fuck, I’m clearly not that scared. I´m face to face with the headless, trading blows like a boss.  I’m not fucking scared! Ter… Ok, just lest move on.

I did use malcontent for Demon of Hatred, because it is the most dogshit fight in the whole game and I wanted it to be over as fast as possible. I mean, I did not choose Sekiro to be fighting like fucking Dark Souls. I… I really hate that fight. I mean, an hour or so is not that long for that fight, I guess, but I was annoyed and bored the whole time. I tried to deflect and have fun but I keep getting burn and I just…

Isshin did make it up for it, tho, thanks the heavens.

And that’s it. Not much use to them. I mean, I upgraded them because I have to, too much money and nothing to use it with, and the ones I actually wanted, were, for some reason, not available unless I upgraded another one that I didn’t actually want to use. WHY? Why are the prosthetics an interconnecting tree? Is annoying.

Anyway, is a universal truth that people only consistently use the firecrackers and that’s it.

The game is not long enough to justify the upgrades for the prosthetics

No smoke bomb prosthetic?

The “best” combat arts are unlocked way to fucking late to actually care or matter for your first gameplay, and the lack of replayability and actual usefulness of said combat arts makes it not really worth the grind to get them unless you just want to experiment. At the end of the day, you will just go back to Ichimonji, because is God. If I beat the game, just gift me the fucking things or at least make a special boss to win an exp box or something.

And why not add the possibility of changing the arts mid fight? Cool combos can arise from that.

Stealth is worthless, enemy reaction is dumb as fuck. The dead bodies of their friends mean nothing to them. And am I crazy or it was supposed to be a mechanic when you hide the corpses to avoid detection? I could swear I saw that. Is half baked, is what I mean. You should deal with the consequences if you fuck up. Like, make it mean something, make it hard.

What else can I complain about? Oh, right. The Shura ending is kinda shit. Why not the Shura path rather? I mean, you make the decision, the game gets cut short, two special boss fights and that’s it. You allegedly go in a path of destruction and mayhem… I would have liked to play that… Like, killing the friends that you made along the game because you are now a killing machine that only cares about the euphoria of the fight, and you can feel both powerful and horrible. And maybe a new combat art tree only for the Shura, a shorter one, probably, but brutal and awesome. Let us feel how it is to be drowned in the horror of war.

I don’t know. Maybe I ask too much.

What else?

Game is too short, specially fountainhead palace, such a beautiful place, over in a half an hour. Fucking LOL. The world does not feel big enough despite the many different places. I loved it to much, I want to spend more time in here.

Genichiro is annoying in the final game battle, but I would have like to fight him more times, as he gets more powerful and learns new shit and stuff, to keep it fresh. Like a whole story boss, you know?

The Bosses attack patrons could have been improved, more diverse and less repetitive. The Resurrection mod show me that.

There’s is also a lack of women enemies… Now I don’t say this as a feminist thing, I just want to kill women…

Difficulty: Boss fights. I think the bosses should try to recover their posture like the minibosses do, fuck, even some regular guys do that. I know is easy to disrupt, but they can do it when they are far away or when they stagger you, as punishment for fucking up your posture like a dumb fuck. I feel like it should be possible to code that when they are low on posture they do that, and only when you are low enough on health, they try to kill you after breaking you.

Gyobu’s fight makes no sense. He is supposed to be like a hardcore motherfucker, a very powerful warrior, but he is one of the easiest bosses. I know he is technically the first big boss, but he should be more punishing, at the very least in NG+

The first phase should either force you to deflect his attacks while you can only damage the horse, then the horse dies, and you fight him in the ground in phase two. That would train you hardcore on how to deflect consistently. Or, the horse dies, he eats him and transforms into a centaur that hits you with his giant d…

Isshin should recover posture if he hits you with the Ichimonji if you fail to deflect.

Anyway. NG+ after doing the Shura ending is kinda worthless. What’s the point of having seven opportunities?

If you finish the endings, you should install the Resurrection mod and play it again. Have fun relearning the bosses new moves, vastly different, more varied, way more aggressive, way more fun to deflect, way more effective at making you RAGE. Is Sekiro hard mode. PLAY IT.

That’s enough. This is getting long.

First playthrough is an 8.

Goodbye.

Alaoz!