Reviews by LazyPaco

More than a review, I just want to complain a bit. Although I guess that’s mostly what my reviews consist of anyway.

WARNING: LANGUAGE.

The show is kind of cowardly, visually speaking. I mean, wtf is that Despair? I fucking hate it so much. So boring, she's just an overweight woman, regular looking, wearing clothes! She looks like a normal person. She is so weird to look at in the comic, like entrancing and shit, uncomfortable.

I seriously lost my shit when I saw this version, like, I emitted a low almost hearable growl. Alright? That’s big for me.

As a whole the show doesn’t feel daring enough, weird enough, dreamy enough. It looks to clean, to normal, to boring sometimes. Can’t really explain it much better that that as of now, the character design is easier to point out in written form. The extra episodes were much better at this things.

The Endless were the disappointing ones, really. Desire is great, the best one, by far. Not only faithful enough, but the actor looks really cool, like, they have a very distinct face. Perfect smiling.

Dream is just … fine. Just looks like a dude most of the time, not imposing enough, not cool looking enough, you know? Eyes of stars and all that. Weird hair, long robes, and the like. The actor is good so, makes up for it. But I never saw him as something beyond human.

I don’t know what Neil means by “It didn’t work”. I seen some cosplays that get the feel right. But they always say that, don’t they?
And then some random fuck with not even the tenth of the budget does it just fine.

“He has to mingle” he said. Just make the fuck appeared normal to the people around him that he doesn’t want to show his “true” form to, then. Is the viewer you should be thinking about. And you really think people on the street are going to be like: “Look, an Endless”? Instead of just ignoring the weird punk guy?

“Don’t look at him, Timmy. He is a bad influence. Sodomy is wrong!”

Or, OR, he could just be invisible until he no longer wants to. You know, his like a god and shit. I just feel like there are a lot of ways to work around that.

But of course, I don't really know everything that went down in production.

Now, the controversial one: Death.

More controversial than Despair, really? Jeez.

People really like her design, like really like it, and they were understandably annoyed at the change. Racist and non-racist alike. They were not happy!

Some were weird, tho, like, they forgot that the Endless have no real appearance.

Now, I do like the design, technically, I’m just tired of it. Not hers in particular, just the idea that every time that a character like that is made, that represents something of that nature, they always go for the pale white skin and the dark hair, you know, the whole gothic look. And I’m done with it, do something different. Other combinations are cool too, dark skin and yellow eyes and maybe white hair work really well. Or other creative stuff that you can do.

So, I was excited for a different and unique look.

But she is just a black lady, she’s even dressed the same. I mean, make her different, a more African version maybe, or something, anything but the same.
Different clothes, eyes and hairstyle. I just wanted a cool and creative and daring look, not just some pretty woman that looks normal.

She can be approachable with her personality, besides her look, so ...

By the way, if Neil cared that much about diversity, why didn’t he do it in the first place? Humm? HUMMM??

It’s a pretty white comic for the most part.

Tweet that to him.

Anyway, the show just bored me visually. I mean, if not with concepts in human form, when will you make colorful and bizarre looking people in a fantastical magical show? Like damn. I’m not going to dream with these designs.

That’s it.

Gwendoline Christie was like, perfect casting, by the way. Probably the best with Desire and The Corinthian (that guy is really having fun).

Before I go … Was I the only one confused when they saw that Rose Walker was going to be black? Cause that probably meant that Unity was black, but she lived in old-timey London. Are we just going to pretend that they weren’t racist as fuck back then? They are a bunch of racist cunts right now! I mean … Jesus.

Doctor Who did that a lot, it was confusing. Is that like an English thing? They just like to pretend they weren’t that bad?

Anyway. That it, this time for real. Sorry if I got to political ...

The show is a 6 by the way. Diner episode is still the best, my favorite from the comic as well. That actually captured the atmosphere of the comic, and the first episode did that too, It made me have high hopes that sadly weren’t met.

Alaoz!

PS: Why was only one foster parent an asshole? (unlike the comic). Women can be shit too!

Hello.

I just want to explain in fast words why SOMA is great, just enough to make anyone who hasn’t played it yet put it higher in their list.

More than being a great game, is a great experience if you let it.

SOMA is not for everyone; the game asks a lot from you. It needs you to completely immerse yourself in the world to be able to enjoy it at his highest potential, to suspend your disbelief at maximum, to not treat it like a “game” if you know what I mean.

They help you by making it look beautiful, with good music, a great atmosphere, great themes, good characters and a good story, but you have to do your part. You kind of have to play it right. I mean, it makes no sense to play like a maniac a game when you need to be careful, use stealth and absorb your surroundings.

Is kind of a problem, is annoying and it is funny when I see somebody beating the game faster because they just run like crazy and somehow, they get rewarded for it. Of course, they get punish in not actually experiencing things right.

But that’s not the big one. There might be a sense of futility, and annoyance can be born from that.

Choices ARE important in SOMA, never let anyone tell you the opposite, they are, just not the way it usually is. They are not going to affect the story or the characters, you can choose one of two options and the result at the end would pretty much be the same for the story, but not for you, never for you.

The choices in SOMA are questions of morality, the choices in SOMA test your philosophy on life, on what makes us human, on consciousness. Unlike a movie when you see a character make a decision and take action based on hers or his moral principles, in the game, it is you making those choices. Yes, you control Simon, but the point is that you’re supposed to put yourself in his place, you’re the one pressing the button, this are your actions.

Yes, it is a game and that might no be the best thing for you, you might want to have a different ending or a different path, but that’s not the purpose of SOMA. Making those choices hits you harder that watching a film or reading a book would. YOU press the button, and then you see the consequences of your actions.

Yes, the encounters are not that good, the game is not that hard and it is quite short, BUT, very few games can have such an impact on you as a person.

That’s all for this part, hope it is enough. 

Now I want to share a little anecdote of me playing the game, my experience with certain decision.

It is a spoiler so, if you haven’t played the game yet, go away now and play it.

If you already have and like me you are capable of connecting with good storytelling on a deep and emotional level and you still have your memories of your experience close to your chest, you might want to know my reaction to a certain hard decision.

STARTS HERE.

SPOILER.

Remember that moment when you get clone and Catherine gives you a choice?

I’m not kidding when I say that I thought about it for forty something minutes or so before pressing the button. It seemed a long time for me at the time, but now, I probably should have thought about it for even longer.

I also google for a bit looking for arguments that I hadn’t thought about. They did not help at the end. 

I made a bad choice, I unplugged Simon II. I clearly thought it was the right choice even tho it wasn’t morally perfect, it just seemed right.

Despite all my time thinking and the complex arguments in my head and in google, I sought comfort in the basic idea of preventing him future suffering.

I mean … He was alone, abandoned, with no possibility of escape and trapped with crazy monster who wanted to kill him. I thought that I would want that to happened, to not suffer, but I can’t  know, not really. I think that. But in the actual moment? I might choose different. 

He still was his own person and I didn’t have the right to choose for him. But I thought I was being kind. Yes, If he wanted to die, he could have kill himself and save himself that pain, but he would have suffer much before that.

It only hit me days later that … I stole from him a good experience. I just couldn't think about every possibility in that moment. Forty minutes and still I was under pressure and could not think to the fullest of my capacity. It was only when I was done with the game that I thought about him finding a sense of peace. Yes, he was alone and abandoned, but the mission was being carry on. He helped save the ark, helped humanity. He fulfilled a purpose, perform a good act. He could have died … happy. And I took that from him. 

It seems so easy and obvious now, but it wasn’t then.

Man, is lucky it is just a fucking game at the end cause, holy cow, that would have severely fuck me up. 

Can you imagine that shit in real life? Oh, by Allah, how much therapy?

I’m done now.

Alaoz!

I couldn’t come out with a funny riddle for the title, okay! Give me some time.

Anyway. This are some of the things I like.

The scene where he kills the mayor is an excellent introduction. He is clumsy physically, but clever in the head, determined. He stuck to the shadows, like ... well, you know. Parallels, parallels. 

He is a very entertaining villain, his performance is very engaging, his voice, the way he shouts or emphasizes certain words, his way of breathing, his humor in the riddles and puzzles, and the fact that he likes to give chances to people, even though he never had that luck. So cute.

I also like the way that he looks, not just as the Riddler, but as a civilian. Not that I would have had much of a problem if they had used an actor who looked intimidating and tough, or particularly attractive, but I prefer him to look like an average guy, who might get lost in the crowd, who you wouldn't suspect. Most psychopathic criminals don't have a very conspicuous appearance.

I asked myself a question while thinking about his character. Would I have liked it more if it had a moral and ethical code in which it is only allowed to hurt the corrupt and "bad" and that, if someone who is not, gets hurt, that would fuck with him mentally? Maybe, probably I would have written him that way, is more interesting to me, but that doesn't mean that the characterization of him is bad or definitely worse.

It seems to me that he is a psychopath with a mission, a crusade and a grudge. He's going to reveal the truth about the city and its corruption, have fun doing it, take it out on Bruce, and then create real change, using a flood to clean out the cesspool they call a city. In his mind, the city is lost and the system is rotten, there is no way to fix it, much less with more politicians with empty or false promises, it needs a fresh start.

His speech in Arkham is wonderful, I even like it when he starts to sing, although not as much. And I also like his last post. In those two moments you understand perfectly all the anger that he carries inside, how insane he is, how much he has been consumed by revenge, by ... vengeance. This is not a person who fights for justice or cares, he is a crazy delusional piece of shit. He’s lashing out, he is a fringe person, a nobody who wants to be somebody, full of anger, just like his followers. And he is going to kill all the people who are responsible for his misery and make a spectacle of it, while acting like a instrument of true change, like he is more than just a person.

7/10.

Solid guy.

That’s it for now.

Alaoz!

COLD OPEN.

I like the idea that he calls himself “Vengeance”, but that some fuck, just for the shit and giggles, called him “Batman” and it stuck. Everyone calls him Batman, now.

"Look, is the Batman! Ooh! What are you going to do? Throw guano at me?"

I wasn't going to write anything. I saw the movie, I liked it, it seemed good to me, I went on with my life. But then I saw some negative reviews, I considered them, I thought maybe it wasn't as good as I thought it was, but then I thought about it, and I think it's still a very strong movie.

Spoilers galore.

PART 1

There are indefensible things, several errors, which I will talk about first, since it is the most fun for me… Well, if you can defend them, try it, I, at least, did not find a defense. That speaks well of the film, that I wanted to find defenses, it is as if I had seen the quality even if I could not decipher all the reasons that made it.

The huge problem is that Batman should have died after falling after escaping the police station. And if not dead, at the very least he should have broken his back. The fact is that nothing is wrong with him, he doesn't even wake up in pain. Why the hell did they do that scene? No fucking idea.

It also seems to me that the explosion in the church should have caused a little more damage. It didn't have to be that strong, so much that he flights across the room, it's just that way because it looks cool. Maybe, if they could have a higher age rating, it would just blow up enough to severed the DA's head off, in a bloody fashion.

Honestly, the Riddler thinks they're friends, he wouldn't want to hurt him in any way. He puts him in danger, they could have removed the mask, making things difficult.

If Catwoman doesn't miss that shot, which is much easier to hit than to screw up, part of Riddler's plan no longer works and we no longer have those good scenes that follow. I don't think she can fail that, she is not a beginner. As a problem is not very big, but it did not have to go that way. And that the light goes out just at that very moment is quite convenient, it doesn't allow her to shoot him again.

Another thing, just as big a problem, maybe a little less, is Alfred not telling Bruce what the mistake is in El Rata Alada. He tells him that there is a mistake, so he knows what the mistake is, but he doesn't tell him. It seems very strange to me, it didn't cost him anything. He would have saved us a lot of time, potentially.

The last more or less significant problem is that no forensic officer, no detective, not even Batman himself thought that maybe they should check the whole place, his whole house, including under the carpet. The Riddler is a mastermind, he has used explosives before… Wouldn't it be rational to think that he might have bombs there to kill them? At the very least he would have something weird there. It's worth it.

Batman must have at least been suspicious of the fact that he turned himself in, because it was clear to me that the Riddler himself was the "witness." Batman holds him in high regard. "He doesn't make mistakes," he said at one point. It seems to me that it is a little problem, a contradiction, even. He thinks he's a genius, but is he going to be seen by a witness and then sit in a dining room? Weird.

The last issue I'll mention is that the DA didn't have any bodyguards, considering he was scared shitless, prone to drug use, and knows the Riddler is most likely after him.

Then there are little things that don't need to be mentioned, that are inconsequential to me or don't matter. For example, to give you an idea, the thing that he injected into his leg during the final fight. They probably should have set it up before, but it makes a lot of sense for him to have something like that. Whether it's adrenaline, super adrenaline or Bane's poison.

The last problem I will mention… this time it is the case, I promise. I don't know why the Riddler had to be imprisoned in Arkham at the end. If he wanted to be safe, it seems that there are many other places, where he would also be free. If he wanted to contact Batman, he could have left him his number to meet somewhere or something. A riddle, which only he could figure out.

There's a defense for that, but it seems weak to me: It was basically over, so going to jail wasn't important, it was the followers turn, right? It could work, but at no time does he give the impression that he is that kind of person, I believe more that he wants to be free to continue doing his things. Also, there are better places to relax.

PART 2

Now, what I like, because yes, I swear, there are many things that I like and think they are good. The best without a doubt is the: “Open your eyes!” by Gordon. It's a meme I'll use for the rest of my life.

Now, this section is going to be even shorter that originally was, because a lot is about the Riddler, so, if you give a shit as to why I like him, go to his page and see my review of him there. Because he is the main reason I like the film.

Now, the rest.

I've never liked Batman, not really. I prefer Daredevil. I don't know exactly why, but it is the case. I don't dislike him, but I don't care either. Maybe it's the fact that he's so broken, with so many skills and tools; the money gives him a lot of advantage. I guess that's why it's better when his villains screw him intellectually, like the Riddler in this movie.

But this Batman is not a master of everything, he is not an expert in all the martial arts in the world, which is impossible even with all the money. He takes hits, he doesn't know things, and he's still learning what he should be. It is his arc in the movie, overcoming revenge to get to true heroism. Batman should not be an inspiration to commit terrorist acts, he should not be only fear. Yes, he has plot armor, but perfection is a tall order for Matt Reeves.

I would have liked them to explore more his code of not killing, his reasoning, because the one he has in Under the Hood is childish, understandable, but silly. But, it's only the first movie. I can wait.

I like the atmosphere, everything technical is excellent, that goes without saying, but the atmosphere is… uff. It's dark, dirty, cold and decadent, it's very immersive. It's a detective story, it fits the mood perfectly, and it's something you don't usually see in Batman movies. It is one of his character traits that I do like. I even like the internal monologue, as many of the detective stories have, especially the old ones. It is a good way to know the way he sees       himself. Those monologues have always seemed funny to me, but not here, it is a very serious film, it was difficult for me not to be totally immersed to be able notice things like that.

There are more things that I like, but I don't find it very interesting to talk about it, and the review is already getting long. I'll just say that I like what they did with his parents, his broken relationship with Alfred, the fact that Bruce is consumed by his alter ego, that Zoë Kravitz is a goddess and that she plays a beginner Catwoman who makes you care about her problems, that Pattinson does a good job and looks great as Batman; that his body looks realistically fit instead of super ripped; and that the fights are rough and that you can feel the weight of each blow, etc, etc.

The Penguin was cool.

The movie works. It has a good main character and good secondary characters, and a good theme, but in the end, the Riddler is the only thing that makes me passionate. More than anything it was him the reason I wrote this review.

7/10.

A solid one.

It's a good movie, and you should see it.

Alaoz!

PS: Matt Reeves looks like the actor who plays Riddler… Hum. Curious.

When she was the key she was great, fantastic even, then she goes kind of dull. She stagnated a bit. Became just a regular character reacting.

So maybe her greatness didn't come from her character traits. Still, very human.

She goes from a strong 8 to a 6.

Being a Watcher makes sense, but comes too late.

Still, she's a buffyverse character so, she's funny and complicated. She made me cry.
Being the key, her existential problems, her grieve, her pain, her stealing, all her issues are fucking heartbreaking.

She's a vital and empathetic character for most of her time, and if you don't like her, maybe you're a misog ... just kidding ... Or Am i?

I choose to see this show as one of the times he became human.

Series 1.

Just in case, I let you know, this has spoilers. Watch the show, you fuck!

The first thing I want to do is congratulate the series on the realism of the police procedure, especially the forensics uniform. It is not something that should be congratulated, but so many times it is poorly done. On top of that, it shows well how difficult it is to close a murder case, especially in a town with such ridiculously inexperienced police.

The realism spreads throughout the show. The series is filled with wonderfully written and expertly acted characters, they feel so natural that it's easy to see them as people and empathize with them on a supreme level. They don't say things that would make them look innocent for a multitude of reasons, such as shame and regret, a haunting past, or just a "it's not of your fucking business." People are like that, we keep quiet about things because they are private, because of the harm it can cause to others, no matter how much it makes sense to say them to save ourselves.

It is difficult to say that there is a protagonist, at least for me. The vast majority have the same time on camera, the detectives investigating the case are not more important than the family suffering from the death of their son, nor are they more complex or more in-depth. Maybe Broadchurch itself is the main character …

I would not say that the characters are the most extraordinary ever, you are not going to see a lot of character development (not that it is mandatory and they are mostly adults anyway) or something particularly original or outstanding, but the development of it is fantastic. They are normal people with well-defined personalities and things in their past that characterize them, now dealing with something very heavy and reacting to things as people, as only they could.

The series has a heavy, tense atmosphere, it doesn't let you relax for long. Difficult emotions keep flying all over the place. All of that is helped by the fantastic music and performances. I'd be lying if I said it didn't make me cry multiple times (even my dad cried like a bitch). And the direction is capable of making you see a place that beautiful as a bleak and melancholic place.

There are light moments when you can laugh, people will always try to stop suffering at least for a second, but the pressure of the situation is always present. As an extreme example of that idea, I really like it when Beth and Mark are looking at old photos of Danny, smiling at the good times, while for Jack, looking at old photos brings up horrible memories that push him to suicide.

The investigation is important and well done, but it is the least compared to the stories of the interrogated characters and what they are feeling. The series does not do the usual stuff of the genre, the detectives do try to do the typical, it is their job, but the series itself does not want the murderer to screw himself during his interrogation, or use what other suspects say to formulate a puzzle to create the case, no, here the interrogations serve more to know things about these people that otherwise they would never say.

The series is very successful giving you several possible suspects to choose from, all plausible, all with a more or less strong connection to Danny. Directing and seeing various things through Hardy's eyes makes perfectly normal behavior look bad and suspicious. The list of suspects is long, and in such a small town where everyone knows each other, whoever the murderer is, it will be a serious blow to the community and the family. What a horrible thing to have to distrust your friends, even your own husband.

But more important than that is looking at the different ways the family deals with grief. Beth (who I think is the best, as she has more to go through) wants to feel useful, keep busy, otherwise she would go crazy. Also, she needs a sign that his son is fine wherever he is, she feels the guilt of believing she has failed him, and has to deal with a new life growing inside of her, when her heart is "still so full of Danny."

Her mother is in support mode. Mark is able to bury stuff so he doesn't have to deal with all the horror, and perhaps that is why he is the most affected as the series progresses (I’m including the following series/seasons), since everything eats away at him. At the same time, he has to deal with his own guilt for his infidelity and for having beaten his son. Also, he thinks he failed him too.

Chloe, the sister, wants to be a teenager and have fun, she doesn't want to just be flooded with grief and be the dead boy's sister. At the same time, she wants to act in the pursuit of justice for her brother when she believes the police are not doing enough, so she clearly cares a lot.

There's not much to say about Hardy, he's solid, his personality is strong and entertaining, and David's charisma certainly helps, but he's not the most interesting either. It is great that he wanted to get away from stuff, only to find a horrible thing, and his own guilt for failing before fuels his drive to catch the killer, damn his health … wait a second, he’s awesome!

Ellie has a certain level of development, she hardens a bit as a person, and while she doesn't change that much, her reactions and everything, like I said, are natural and realistic. And that works for me for an 8-episode tv show that has to deal with so much, plus the main focus is the family.

Joe is an interesting character. It took three months for the guilt to become too much for him and he ended up giving himself up. I don't know if it would have been enough to get him arrested without his confession, so despite everything, he still has a moral fiber. (That's why I don't really like what he does in season 2, but it doesn't seem impossible either.)

 

It's interesting because even he doesn't know exactly what he is and why he did what he did, and the series doesn't give you a definitive answer. He may be a pedophile, as he may not be exactly. He was probably afraid that he was, or maybe he was half sure that he was and hated that, so when Danny says those things to him, the mixture of emotions, his own shame and the fear that he might leave him, make him lose his head and he ends up strangling him by accident.

In case it is not so obvious, clearly the series is not going to show him feeling guilty, because that way they spoil the end. Clearly Joe has a certain level of composure, he’s able to handle himself well in public. It may be something that does not combine so well with the fact that he surrenders himself, but you cannot tell me that it is an impossibility that when we do not see him he suffers like crazy, and by the time we see him, he is already calmer. People are complex.

If I have a problem with the series, it is the presence of the psychic, because is pure bullshit. I do not feel that the series is telling me that he is a fraud. Nor can I claim that it says otherwise, but it certainly seems inclined to that side. He knows a thing or two that he probably shouldn't know. It's not that big of a problem either, it doesn't really affect the investigation, everything would have gone the same without him, so even if Chibnall believes in those things, at least he or an editor had the good sense to minimize the effect of the psychic, otherwise, it would have made the writing lazier, there's not much need to investigate when you have someone giving you vital information.

Beyond that, although there are a few non-round tidbits, like the fact that Chloe doesn't seem to feel much guilt over Jack, she doesn't deal with it in any way, or how weird Susan Wright is sometimes, or the fact that Reverend Rory, I mean, Paul, does not have as many religious lines in his church as you would expect, they are things that do not affect the vast majority of the work and its exceptionality.

Anyway. Broadchurch is an excellent series, at least in its first season. And I think it deserves a:

8/10.

Alaoz!

... and it's not yours.

English is not my native language so I apologize for the errors that are bound to exist.

Would I recommend Fringe?

Well … Yeah, but is complicated.

Very much like Buffy, you have to go through a shitty start (a season and a half in this case) to get to the good stuff, later to the great stuff, to then lose some steam and end with a disappointing yet not bad finale.

Fringe is kind of an episodic show, very much a procedural, then turns into sort of a spy show, goes back to procedural and ends up being a rebels vs empire, all of these facets with lots of sci-fi shit.

At the beginning, the show suffers from not enough focus on character, specially from the episodic stories, so you don’t really care about the people committing the crimes or the people investigating them. They focus to much on how cool or weird are the sci-fi stuff and on the investigation, and not enough on the most important part, the part that makes you care.

It also suffers from stupid behavior, characters that are supposed to be competent or really smart being fucking idiots when the plot needs them to, which allows the stories to continued, it happens with the episodic ones as well as the larger plots. Is all very shitty.

And I would not forgive the treatment that Gillian Jacobs got. Bastards!

Of course, is a J.J show, despite the fact that his involvement from a writing perspective is limited to co-writing two episodes during the shitty part of the show and co-creating the lore. In J.J. Abrams fashion, the show has a lot of mysteries that promises is going to answer. They do, in fact, answer them. Not absolutely all of them, but those ones are really not important. The big ones are all there.

The big reason I would recommend Fringe is the existence of Walter Bishop. Even when the show was shit, he still was really good. It was weird, like there was a writer who only wrote him and then fuck off.

Walter is a complex character who constantly has to face the damage he has done when he was a different man, a scarier man. He is not all there in the head, which causes both funny and sad scenes, besides creating some mystery and character exploration. He’s funny, he’s clever, he’s goofy, sweet and energetic, and of course, very, very interesting.
A thoroughly entertaining and memorable character.

With time, the majority of the main cast gets enough development and exploration for them to work and leave a mark, but at least for me, I did not care much for them. Except for Astrid, who is really sweet and clever, and has a good friendship with Walter that I wish it was explored a bit more.

Main characters and others are not evil just because, which is really great. Is all very layered.

Anyway. The show looks good, the acting is usually good, bla bla. And despite mistakes, has a lot of good stuff in it, and season 3 is particularly good. Almost every episode in season 3 has good stories that are thematically related to the characters or the world.

And the characters are usually very smart, which was very shocking to me. I was so confused, it all happened so fast, the quality just jumps halfway season 2. Is almost like the writers were force to write those early episodes.

And, surprisingly, "Peter" is one of the best episodes of television ever made. It was a surprise cause it was in Season 2.

By the way, the scientific mumbo jumbo is very funny cause, you google the explanation they give in the show and surprise, it does not work like that.

The ending is rushed thanks to the cancelation, but the character work is on point and none of them get destroyed. And that’s the most important part.

As a whole, the show works enough to deserve a passable note… for now.

6/10.

Alaoz!

English is not my native language so I apologize for the errors that are bound to exist.

Is a bad film.

There's 3 important points.

1. Witcher training: Is fucking ridiculously dumb. They trow a bunch of kids into a swamp full with monsters, the majority are fucking slaughter, because of course they are. But, the ones that survived are “Witcher material”. That´s so stupid. How about you trained them correctly until they are said material. I mean, fucking hell. One of them lose his arm, it if wasn't for that, he will be 100%.

Not all of them are surviving the herbs, keep them alive until then.

Is such a horrible system that has no reason to exist.

We don’t even get to see how the shit ended.

And, by the way, they make them trained with real swords, instead of practice ones. Stop doing that, please.

2. Tetra: She creates a big problem. The funny thing is that we can eliminate one of her scenes and everything gets better. She's is shown fucking a mountain up. If she's that strong, who can face her? Not many people, no one in the film. And yet, she loses, no because she gets outsmarted or anything like that, is just that she's really stupid.

Vesemir gets put into a trance or illusion, where, obviously, he’s defenseless. And yet, nobody attacks him, not even her that hates him so much.
Is not like it was a random fight or something, they went there specifically to kill Witchers.

Yes, her magic takes time, but not that much, and he was under the illusion far longer than the 45 seconds that it took her to dance before. And then, he gets put under another one, given her more time.

Yes, Tetra could have taken down Kaer Morhen using that magic, with the protection of the monster and the humans as meat shields (makes no sense that they are working together but okey) and the time that they can make for her.
But, I think that she probably prefers to kill them directly, after all, she really hates them.

Although, taking into account how incompetent the writers are, is more likely that they did not thought about it. So, I’m writing the film for them, because there is no line that I can point to. But, I still think is fair to assume that.

Now, her motivation … Yes, it makes sense, but is so childish. Instead of hating that particular Witcher, she hates all of them. And that's the easiest thing to write for a story like this, and is lazy and lacks nuance and is fucking boring.

That kind of stuff works better with a character that learns that not all are the same.

Racism is not good, kids.

3. The other big problem is Deglan. The fact that he makes chimeras is the only reason there’s a plot. Is a dangerous decision because its screams that there’s an intelligence behind it. Is very suspicious. Just produce monsters in mass, that's going to be easier to hide.

Is not necessary to make super beast, but if he really wants to make them more dangerous, he could just make them a bit bigger, improve the claws and shit, stuff like that. People can assume that they “evolve” for some reason, if they even notice it. Or perhaps there bigger because they been eating better or some shit. I don't know, I'm not a biologist!

Deglan didn’t strike me as a retard, I assume there’s a good reason as to why he is the leader. It seems to me is just a reason to have a plot, and that's contrived and bad writing.

Maybe Tetra is the one making monster and incriminating Witchers, that way having a reason to eliminate them, getting her revenge.
That if you want to keep that plot, she could just be a Witcher hunter.

4. As an extra, Kitsu. She’s not so much a character, but a plot device. She’s just there to let them know about the mutations and to be use to bring all those monsters to Kaer Mohren. She appears out of nowhere, we never get to know her normal to like her and stuff. Her only reason to exist is to be useful for the plot. And that's lame.

And that's it. There are good things, like some relationships (Illyana is good) and the animation. The fact that a lot of the monster aren’t stupid and easy to kill like the ones in Castleshit. The villains at least have an understandable motivation, even if there’s not much to them as people.

Vesemir has a character and a thing that could be explored, but it not really explored. You know, his love of coin as the only thing that matters. Is not the case, he clearly cares about other stuff. But they don’t give him a choice between money and a moral act. Or a regret about a time he chose coins instead of saving someone or a relationship. Is not like his deeply sad and thinks a lot about Illyana. There’s no scene in which he regrets the life decision he took.

Is not like there’s nothing, but is not enough. The movie is too fucking short.

And Tetra also suffers, because there’s the thing about believing she’s clean of flaws and stuff, but is the one scene, and nothing after that. Her motivation is entirely emotional and there’s not any exploration of her as a person.

I can’t really empathize with these people; I barely know them.

God! Is a 4.

Alaoz!

PS: The Gerald thing was laughable.

English is not my native language so I apologize for the errors that are bound to exist.

Originally written in May 26, 2019.

WARNING, WARNING. This might be long.

This review is going to be centered around a particular aspect: realism.
Is dark fantasy, I know, but with limited fantasy elements. Because of that, I hope that it would try to be as realistic a possible with the other aspects, to help you immerse in the medieval atmosphere. But no.

Realism is good. Makes things more complicated and serious and dire and all that cool stuff. You know. Is one of the reasons ASOIAF is so fucking good. The politics, regular life, war, you name it.

IS NOT TRYING TO BE REALISTIC!

Well, is not trying to be that fantastical either. So, the fact that they cut through armor like is not fucking there, pisses me off.

Is for spectacle, I know. But it makes thing more boring to me. Is not even Guts who does this, ALL of them do. Like is fucking clothes!
Hey! Even padded clothes can give you some protection against swords. So, the fact that metal amour can’t do shit, pisses me off.

It gets in the way of the story too. Griffith gets shot with an arrow (episode 9). That would not have happened if the animators and writers didn't thought that armor doesn't do shit. An arrow is not going to have an easy time piercing armor. You see, armors were very good at their job. They wore it for a reason.

Is probably Miura´s fault, anyway.

Shoot the bastard in the head or the neck or in any other moment when he’s not wearing the armor. The killer could miss; even tho he’s supposed to be really good. But still, more acceptable. Nobody is perfect.

Maybe Griffith goes to one knee or something, and the arrow flies above him. Convenient, yes, but still better. That´s how bad it is!

Is not impossible, but not in the goddamn breastplate.

You know what? They could have poison him. Or push him from a balcony.

“Sorry. I guess the hawk can't fly”.

You attack him on the street, a robbery gone bad. Better that a hunting accident. There were people around him, they didn't see no fucking deer. What if they catch the killer?

“Sorry, sir. I confused this white-haired man in a suit of armor with a deer. I know, I’m as surprised as you are”.

Hand to hand combat is less entertaining when you ignored the efficiency of armor. The characters attack without thinking, without a strategy, without tactics. And because armor doesn't do shit, they have to think even less.

It seems to me, it will be more fun to see them suffer, sweat and use their heads to make the enemy trip up and fall, to then stab their eyes through the slits of their visors. Or to find other ways. Or hit them with a war hammer in their faces. Or throw hot sand or hot oil. Or shoot them with a cannonball.

Hey! That would be useful. Why don’t they use more cannons? They have them. I remember two from early on. But they mysteriously disappeared after that. I guess they realized that cannons fuck castles up and kinda make them obsolete. Well, too fucking late! I can’t stop thinking about all the moments where they could have use them.

…

What next? Right. The strategies and military tactics are … competent? Is hard to give them too much weight, because the rivals are all retarded. You know who I mean. Tall, muscular, with a funny haircut; a very incompetent commander. And yet, despite that, he’s condecorated and they keep giving him missions. Amazing!

He loses a castle in episode 8. Leaving aside that the design of the castle is inefficient despite being an important one and being in a place where the natural protection is not perfect. The way that it is captured, is stupid, and pisses me off.

The offensive strategy is okay … until a certain extent. They get in through a door because the guards don’t ask for any certificate or think twice before opening the door to people they do not know. Very incompetent, and to think that these are the people in charge of this important castle. Lazy writing, my friend.

The battles are generally not good, there´s no strategy in open field. They do think a bit when they take places, but these just work because every enemy is dumb. Griffith doesn’t need to think much. And that’s why is really hard to believe that he is a great general. He’s not. He’s at best competent. He just happens to be surrounded by idiots.

But wait! It gets worse. In episode 15 and 16 we get to know the impenetrable castle that has NEVER been beaten in a hundred years. The castle is again badly design, with no full working battlements, no gatehouse, among other things. Again, the offensive strategy is okay … until a certain point.

Besides the fact that the Band of the Hawk send their cavalry with just swords, the fucking idiots. The problems are the ineptitude by the castle defense and plot armor for the Band of the Hawk. At least some kind of armor works here.

The Chuda army or whatever that fuck they're called, leaves the door open with two guards in front … Are you fucking kidding me? That’s so dumb. Is also a problem that nobody notices that little hawk group trying to sneak. Yeah, there was a little sandstorm, which is very convenient, but I guess Griffith knew it would happen despite us not being told this.
He can predict the weather, fuck it.

Anyway! There is a tower called the watchtower, use for ... watching stuff. You want me to believe that no one could see them or hear them? They were on horseback … riding! They were not even walking to make as little noise as possible. If there's not a watchtower, then is a massive design problem in such an important castle. Anyway, why is there no fucking archer or crossbowman in the battlements? Is stupid, and pisses me off.

They get in, and a little group has been left inside under the command of the more stupid and ridiculous character of the show. I don’t need a comic relief in the antagonist side in such high command. It kinda reduces the danger, don’t you think?

What a horrible military administration. Is a stupid decision to leave something under the command of fucking Adon. How that fuck he has such a high rank? Christ!

The castle looks pretty big, and knowing that the hawks are few in comparison, is stupid to send all of your troops outside. Is stupid already to send you troops outside of your protection. We barely see the battle inside and without really knowing how, they win.

BUT THE NOBLEMEN REALLY WANTS TO FUCK HIM. He could just have leave the entire Band of the Hawk die trying to take the castle, and when the commander, that if he has a brain will be running away, send your troops to captured him. That way he could have fuck him and at the same time look smart. Is that too much to ask? Bloody hell!

Every enemy is retarded. It smells like convenience instead of a character flaw. His emotions are not enough for being so incompetent. There was no reason to risk anything. And lets no forget, he’s fucking plain and boring. What a great villain.

Outside of the castle, the Band of the Hawk manages to hold a superior force, better protected, better armed, better fed, better trained and way more numerous. Like I said, when is an open field battle, there’s no sign of strategy or tactics and the Band of the Hawk has so much plot armor that hurts … And pisses me off. We don’t even get to see the fight!

In the same episode, 16, Adon lets loose a poisoned arrow into Casca. She gets a little bit tired, but nothing really happens at the end. She doesn’t die or gets sick. Even his poisons are shit.

…

There is no tension because the hawks fuck everything easily. Specially Guts, killing dozens and dozens of fucks all on his own. I mean, the guy killed a hundred men!! Oh boy, episode 13 in the forest. I come to accept that Guts is superhuman, despite that making everything more boring. But why didn’t they shoot arrow after arrow if nobody could beat him at close? I so stupid! A hundred men? They ALL DIE because you could not loose some arrows. I mean, if the first ten die, it might be time to change your approach. I guess it doesn’t matter, after all ... his cape stops arrows! WTF. Armor cero, cape one.

Guts should have die.

…

Then the show goes okay. The Queen and the conspirator die without any character exploration so I don’t care. They decide not to jump to safety and a few broken bones and instead they stay so they can burn to dead. Kinda shit. I seem better in basically everything. Well done, guys.

Later on they have to rescue Griffith. Again, Guts is so fucking boring wining easily. And again, no one thought of shooting some arrows until it was too late. The same thing happens when daddy hawk gets captured again, and that makes even less sense because it was in a open field.

And the scene ends, they win, and we don’t get to see how. And they all survived.
I’m starting to see a pattern.

“In this world. Is humankind destiny controlled by an entity or transcendent law? Could it be the hand of God? One thing is true, every enemy, is fucking retarded.”

Can we fix Adon? Yeah. His father could be high rank and he’s forcing Adon’s presence. But even then there would be a line and Adon would have crossed it. He would be sacked!

…

Animation is weaker that I remember. Mouths just open and close like Pac-Man, is like they’re not actually saying anything. Is weird.

The main trio is weaker as well. Guts is still decent, I guess, personality wise. Griffith is mediocre because his military side is garbage. The show does not earn the right to make you think he’s really smart. He’s not. I don’t like any of them.

I do like Caska, tho, she’s great. There’s nothing on her character that doesn’t work. The rest of the cast is forgettable.

I don’t like it anymore.

5/10.

Alaoz!